No, this isn’t a post about Super Tuesday, delegates, or the Supreme Court’s decision in 2000. No, this.............. is serious. Really Serious. I don’t know who, but someone out there drove to the middle of nowhere and then managed to evade two very aggressive geese to slide through the trecherous ice trap that is my yard. And if that wasn’t enough they proceeded to fend off nearly 200 pounds of totally obnoxious and untrained canines, enter my kitchen, and steal my can opener. Now what kind of a lunatic would do this? To make matters worse the unscrupulous maniac left the dog’s can opener untouched. Perhaps, knowing that the above mentioned eating machines love nothing more than their food, he was able to keep them busy defending their own can opener thus leaving mine vulnerable to all kinds of weird fetishy misdeeds. It’s just diabolical! Every time I start to open a can I'm confronted with debilitating anxiety over how long one really needs to scrub a dog’s can opener in order to erase all thought of raw meaty byproducts. The worst part is that George Bush was right. There are evil doers out there, and they’re insidiously undermining our way of life one disappearing can opener at a time.
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