Dear pigeons,if you ever find yourself mortally wounded make sure to act as pathetic as possible because humans are stupid and will take you home. They’ll feed you, make you popcorn, and they’ll even clean up your poop.
Rule #1 - poop a lot!
Rule #2 - be as ornery as possible. It’s important to show hostility toward your caregivers because, like I said before, they’re stupid and inferior. If you fail to show proper disdain for them their egos might inflate and they’ll decide that pigeons make poor roommates. They might get it into their heads that you’ve recovered and would like to return to the wild. If they put you back outside immediately hurl yourself against the human’s house windows (relentlessly) until they open one, and then fly back in. Once you’re in, it is important to peck the idiot humans so that they in no way mistake your love of their home and servitude, for personal attachment.
Rule #3 -every time they bring you fresh clear water- poop in it. It will drive them nuts! They’ll even pretend to punish you by waiting an hour or two before bringing you new water. It’s hilarious.
Rule #4- if your humans are especially stupid they might just rescue another pigeon. In this case you should F*** a lot!!!! (and be very noisy about it). Then sit back and watch while the idiots scramble to house your rapidly multiplying children in their barn. Before you know it the kids will be throwing themselves against the windows too. What a riot.
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